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            歡迎來到夢想文學網,您可以 登陸或者 注冊

            搞笑的二貨雷事

            作者: 輕舞飛揚時間: 2014-05-06 17:05閱讀: 收藏評論在線投稿
              1、有一天半夜,一中年男人用微信查找附近的人,加了一個最近的女孩微信,然后消息說:"美女你好!離你好近啊!有時間一起喝喝茶啊!"女孩回答:"爸,你換個頭像好不好?大晚上的,快睡覺吧!"
              2、丑女:“昨天我去相親了。“ 閨蜜:“哦,怎么樣? “丑女:“他單膝跪下了“ 閨蜜:“不會吧,這才第一次見面就……“丑女:“他說我鞋帶松了,要給我系鞋帶。“ 閨蜜:“哦,這樣啊,好浪漫的男士。“丑女:“嗚嗚嗚,他把我左右腳的鞋帶系在了一起,然后轉身就跑了!“
              3、夫妻倆測試兒子將來的從業意向,在客廳放了四樣東西:書(科學家)、鈔票(經商)、美女照(好色)、茅臺酒(嗜酒),隱門后窺視。兒子放學回家,環顧四周,確認無人后,將鈔票夾入書本,揣上美人照,拎起酒瓶,若無其事地進入自己的房間。夫婦驚嘆 :MLGB,這孩子將來要從政。
              4、兒子準備去考貴族幼兒園。 面試時,老師取出一張10元的鈔票問兒子:“這是什么?” 兒子很爽快地回答:“這是奶奶給乞丐的廢紙!” 老師大喜,說道:“好了,不用考了,你已被錄取了。”
              5、以前宿舍有個娃,太過老實,而且有時候傻得可愛。有一次晚上熄燈后,大家又在聊天,他就講:“等老子有錢了,就找三個女生。” 我們口味都被他調起來了,問他說然后呢,只見他鎮定的說:“打麻將…”
              6、一山西煤老板帶一關公像坐飛機,為表示對關公的恭敬,專門為之購買一張飛機票,并在座位上安排妥帖。時間到了,飛機卻遲遲不見起飛,一會兒機場擴音器呼喚道:“關云長先生,請速登機!”
              7、今天去營業廳充話費,跟妹子說:“充50!” 妹子抬起頭問了句:“How much?” 默默愣了,心想,這英語什么時候普及到這程度了!默默用不怎么標準的英文回了句:“fifty!”妹子調高了音量:“號碼是?”一瞬間,天雷滾滾!
              8、某劇組在村莊外拍戲。間歇期間,一群扮演國民黨軍官和士兵的演員未卸裝進村找廁所,在村口碰到一老農,向其打聽廁所。老農激動地握著演員的手說:“你們什么時候打回來的?先別上廁所了,我帶你們去抓村干部吧,晚了這幫家伙就跑了!“
              9、追了一姑娘很多年了,那天她QQ發我一句:If you never abandon,I will in life and death。我沒看懂請過了6級的朋友翻譯,他說:你要不離開我,我就和你同歸于盡。于是我傷心欲絕,再也沒聯系那姑娘。后來我英語也過六級了,才知道那是“你若不離不棄,我必生死相依”
              10、一美女半夜打黑車回家,開了后門后,想還是記下車牌吧,于是關門繞到車后看了一眼,結果車開跑了。美女心想司機心虛了,還好沒坐這車。于是繼續等,十分鐘后,那黑車又繞回來停在美女身邊搖下車窗說:“你怎么沒上來啊,我聽關車門以為你上來了,問你去哪兒,一回頭沒人,這大半夜的嚇死我了!“
              11、“110嗎?快來人吶!出事了!”“您好,請問您有什么緊急情況?”“兩個女孩都要和我交往,打起來了!”“那……這……這……”“快點來呀!丑的那個要打贏了!”
              12、陪老婆去買衣服,老婆:“老板這衣服怎么賣的?“店家:“350元一件。“老婆:“太貴了!“店家:“最低300,不講價!“老婆:“35行不?能賣我就要了!“我:……驚恐狀。店家:“行,交錢!“老婆:“次凹,買貴了!“我頓時心中有千萬只草泥馬狂奔過:你們這時要鬧哪樣!?
              13、男子問朋友:“聽說你談對象了。”朋友答:“是的,成功了三分之二。”男子疑惑道:“此話怎講?”朋友解釋道:“媒人同意了,我同意了,但女方沒同意!”
              14、一同學和老外對話的時候,總愛看人家肚臍眼兒那個地方。旁邊有學友提醒道:“你應該看人家的眼睛。哪有一直看肚臍眼兒的!”該同學解釋:“外國電影看多了,總感覺那個地方會有字幕。”
              15、兒子:“爸爸,外面有一個老伯伯很可憐,他一直在外面慘叫,所以爸爸你可以給我兩塊錢嗎?我想給他。”爸爸:“乖孩子,從小就會可憐老人,值得表揚,給你兩塊錢。”爸爸:“哦,對了,那位老伯伯是怎么叫的?”兒子:“雪糕雪糕,一個2塊錢啊!快來啊!”
              16、每天最開心的事情就是早晨看著老婆抹了化妝水啪啪的拍自己的臉,“啪啪”,“啪啪”,“啪啪”,聽了太爽了。我邊聽邊心里默念:“叫你讓我洗襪子,叫你讓我接孩子,叫你不讓我喝酒,叫你不叫我玩游戲,打,打,給我使勁打!”
              17、說起遭遇電話騙子,有幾個人能有我們前臺的美女姐姐膽大?那天又是一電話,接起來對方說:“我們是公安局,有一個你的包裹里面發現有毒品,請速與我們聯系……”話還沒說完,姐姐拍案而起:“我的貨你們敢截?哪個支隊的?把X局長給我叫來!”對方啪唧一聲摔了電話……
              18、同學聚會,玩真話游戲,一人說我沒做過xx事,如果其他人做過,就要自覺喝酒。先上場的一女生說“我沒打過飛機“。桌上5個男生立刻默默端起了桌上的酒杯。這太TM狠了。
              獨樂樂不如眾樂樂,看完一定要轉載或分享到空間給朋友看看,同時給自己空間也增添人氣噢。
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